Orphanic Deception

In a desperate attempt to turn back time, I tried something that was close to what could be time travel. While this may trigger some of you, I do not mean actually cutting through space and time to reverse the clock. No. Instead I tried having a dish that I used to make almost everyday a few years back. I thought maybe that would make me feel like I’m somewhere back there.  You know how certain smells or when you look at certain objects- you get this weird feeling of nostalgia. Yes. I was going for that. But apparently even that is failing me. My noodles took me nowhere. It made me feel nothing close to nostalgic. I felt devastated because that was my only hope left. I was a fricking tome bomb at this point, waiting for someone to pull the damn trigger. It’s not like I cannot do it on my own. I just know that will be the most troublesome thing I can ever do to the people who love me. And I do not need to be the reason shit go down in anyone’s life anymore.  But when life pulls...

I am in ruins. I am haunted by my past. The walls that I build so hard and with so much care is crumbling down. It is paving a new path- one that I am afraid to take. I am haunted by living beings. Honestly, at this point I just might take a ride with the ghosts- they seem much more comfortable than the real world. Like those pretend walls that is breaking down, my heart is draining itself of the only thing that’s keeping it alive. My body is exhausted from alluding to the dreams and nightmares of everyone around. Apparently I sound much better when I am voicing others. My thoughts aren’t open for all- they aren’t what people like to hear. My thoughts are scarred just like me. They have taken space over reality, indulging in all of the bloodthirsty cries, making me instead a bucketful of lies- lies I keep telling, lies I keep living. What I want is for this to stop. For all my painstaking efforts to draw a blank. For all my thoughts to simply vanish into thin air. To be numb. To be not...

How ever am I supposed to make meaning out of what I write every day, every-time I think of you, or of the one that is hiding behind the shadows of my own making. I wrote the previous poem out of a haze. My mind is still running in that maze. Trying to make sense of why I would even think of burying myself for a person I did not even remember. I wrote those lines tailing on a long forgotten phrase of emotions I had even forgotten existed. I came for another purpose, I was forcefully halted on the precious post, on those first two lines. Something that I kept in my archives for god knows how long. And I couldn’t move on unless I give something to it. Something for those words to feed on. Something for those emotions to put a blanket on. I do not even know what I am protecting. My feelings of last summer or my thoughts of every waking hour. But these lines meant something to me. Even if it was way behind my lifeline, even when I had come a long way from that past-time, I felt something t...

I have been seeing you everywhere I have been imagining your scent washing over me From day one and till this very second I could think of you all the time And yet fall over stupid oneliners you failed to make I could hate you for all that you did to me And still love you till the earth drops I never wanted closure, I wanted you I never wanted to let go, I wanted to cling to you Making you feel the weight I carry For all the times you made me worry You would never know how often I hurt How often I bore the urge to dig up a hole And bury myself in it Not to take my own life, and not to hide  But just so that you would know How I felt whenever you ran away From me.

The lights went off. It was pitch black and yet I could feel you standing beside me. To my left and then to my right. I could hear your intervelled breathing going faster and faster.. and faster. I could see that you were afraid. I knew that you were petrified. I tried to make sense of what went wrong. When it was bright as day or when the darkness overtook the entire space. When was it that you began to think of things you had long forgotten? When was it that you began to feel those emotions that exhausted you? Again. The images of past memories flashed before your eyes. The moving pictures drained your faintest energy and yet you were smiling. You have not moved on and yet you were reminiscing over happy memories. Reliving those exact moments you saw on screen- As if that was your story, yours to tell and yours to keep. Why was it out there and why were you scared? Why was it happy and what made you melancholic? Again. The lights came and I could see that you were in a daze. You were...

 He saw it the second I posted it. And for some reason, all my feelings that I thought had vanished came back all at once. It was nothing peculiar-the post that is. It was nothing related to what I felt for him. It was in no way a message for him. I had not intended for this to be seen as a love poem or a confession that never truly confesses. It was merely a fun post and was aimed at a friend rather than him. But he saw it first and for some frickin’ reason, I can’t hold back my racing heart. I am excited, I am thrilled for absolutely nothing, really. But I am at the top of the world- I am ecstatic and my heart won’t stop thumping. It is an endless race inside my head, at an even more chaotic pace in my heart. I thought you stopped whatever it was you had with him and yet why would you feel this, today of all days? I thought you had finally realised that it was stupid, hoping for him to look back at you and yet why are you still waiting? Why would you look at someone who is obviou...